Managing Sibling Rivalry

• Little Regent Nursery
• Family Life

Managing Sibling Rivalry: Your Older Child and the New Baby

From your older child's point of view, a new baby is not a gift. It is a permanent houseguest who takes up the lap, the attention and the conversation, and who never leaves. Almost every reaction that follows - clinginess, tantrums, regression, sudden fierce love - makes sense in that light.

Rivalry is not a sign that anything has gone wrong. Handled calmly, the first six months set the tone for the relationship for years.

Prepare, but not too far ahead

Toddlers have little sense of months. Talk about the baby in the last weeks rather than from the first scan, look at photographs of your older child as a newborn, and be honest that babies cry a great deal and cannot play yet. Overselling the fun leads to disappointment.

Move the big changes early

New bed, potty training, starting nursery - do these well before the baby arrives or several months after, never in the same fortnight. Otherwise every loss gets attached to the baby.

Expect regression and do not punish it

Baby talk, night waking, wanting a bottle, accidents after months of dry days. Your child is testing whether the small-and-cared-for role is still available to them. The fastest route through is to give it freely - a cuddle, a silly game, the babyish thing they asked for - without comment. It passes.

Protect a small amount of exclusive time

Ten unhurried minutes a day, on their terms, with your phone elsewhere, does more than an hour of divided attention. Name it so they can count on it. Many families find this single habit reduces the difficult behaviour more than anything else they try.

Give them a real job

Fetching a nappy, choosing the babygrow, singing to the baby in the car, holding the muslin. Competence is a much better feeling than being told to be gentle. Supervise closely, of course, and never leave a toddler alone with a baby.

Allow the ugly feelings

"Take her back" is not a crisis. Accept the feeling and hold the boundary separately: "you wish she was not here. I will not let you push her." Children who are allowed to say it out loud are far less likely to act it out.

Watch the comparisons

Avoid "the baby never does that" and be careful with the word big - being the big one can start to sound like a demotion. Praise your older child for who they are, not for how well they tolerate the baby.

Little Regent Nursery cares for children from two months to four years, so many of our families have a baby and an older sibling with us at the same time, and our educators are used to supporting a child through exactly this transition. If a new arrival is on the way, talk to us about your child's settling-in plan.